Late Night with Jesse

Okay this is sort of a taboo topic but… I noticed that Australian men spend the quickest time cleaning themselves after, erm, taking a dump.

It’s true, I swear it in the name of Freddie Prince Jr. Unlike in Asia where you’re sure to find a bidet spray in the toilet (depending of course on what sort of place you are in - there are so many sorry looking toilets in Asia, true), here you’re at the mercy of tissues to wipe yourself clean.

Which calls to mind this one incident that happened a couple of years ago in Melbourne. A Filipino guy was fired after his supervisor followed him to the toilet and questioned his toilet hygiene after noting his ‘un-Australian’ toilet habit - that is, he brought a water bottle to the toilet to tidy himself up.

No, I don’t bring a water bottle to the toilet and I find it very weird that some people would. I mean, if all there is is a roll of tissue to rid myself of the evil spirits down there, then so be it. Kind of a ‘When in Rome’ thing. But the absurd thing about it is first of all, I am flabbergasted by the fact that a supervisor will literally follow his employee to the toilet. What is up with that? Second of all, this peeper was actually questioning the poor guy’s toilet hygiene when in fact the guy was probably a mysophobiac that for him tissues just won’t do. Fact- with water you actually get your bum squeaky clean. You can flush away the germs. Fact - with tissue paper, you just… spread the germs all around.

Which brings me back to my observation. Whilst I would typically spend about 5 minutes wiping myself spotless, I would find that my Aussie toilet neighbours spend about one-tenth of that time. As in they would get in, relieve themselves, spend about 5 seconds to clean up, then boom, they’re done. Every single time, I have to stop myself from blurting out, ‘Hold on mate, are you sure you’re done? All clean? Can I inspect?’ Maybe Aussies have a deflective sort of skin. The germs just… slide off.

Just one of those ‘Strayan quirks I guess.

** News article:
http://www.townsvillebulletin.com.au/article/2009/01/24/34915_hpnews.html

You gotta admit, when we talk about sexy, we talk about shapes and forms and appeal and… Apple. 

I have a love-hate relationship with Cupertino. I love their MacBooks but not their tablets - which for me are practically just an oversized iPhone, without the phone features, that is to say. I like their iPhone - I remember back in 2010 when I was still living in Bangkok and iPhone 4 just came out, I thought it was the sexiest gadget I’ve ever laid my eyes on. My mind went, ‘We thinks we must get our hands on it my preciouuussss, ohh yesss!’ I was very obsessed that I had to solicit the help of my friend living in Singapore to ship me a unit because at that time it was still unavailable in Thailand. I had to pay customs tax to get it delivered, mind you. It cost about $50 - a small price to pay. And then I grew tired of it eventually, and when Nokia came out with its Lumia phone series, I thought it was the coolest thing and I jumped onto the Windows Phone ecosystem by getting a Nokia Lumia 800. Again from Singapore. (I hate that Singapore is always at the front of the line with phone releases whilst Thailand and the Philippines are waaay behind.) To this date I use both - one for work, one for personal use. I think they both have their own pros and cons.

Anyway, I digress. Enough about phones. What I really want to talk about is the Apple iMac, that ridiculously large, slim and sexy beast of a computer that means business.

You want it, don’t you? 

I just love the huge screen real estate. I see the iMac all the time in the reception areas of a number of companies whenever I travel around for work, and every single time I think about grabbing it and making a mad dash to the exit. Not that such heinous robbery is actually feasible - this thing is humungous - but the thought crossed my mind. 

Apple came out only recently with this slimmest iMac yet last November 2012 and Jesus H. Christ they managed to really trim it down to a totally slim package. To give you an idea of how slim it is, here’s a snapshot of the evolution of the iMac, from 1998 through to 2013.

It’s like watching The Biggest Loser before and after photos.

The problem is, this beast is expensive - $1429 AUD (or about PHP 60K) for the cheapest in the series. I have to have a good business case to buy this thing and sadly I cannot find one because one, I have a perfectly working Mac (the first ever that came out in aluminium in 2008, before the ‘Macbook Pro’ branding was created), and two, I also have a tablet which is a Windows Surface, and it’s brillant. So getting another computer is just too much. But that screen… 

Then a light bulb moment - I should just buy a large computer monitor and simulate the iMac experience!

So off I went to the electronics shop, and got myself the following:

1. A 21.5” Full HD TV

I didn’t actually think I would use a TV as a computer monitor but the gadget guy at the shop told me it’s perfectly fine. With today’s technology, the glare and eye strain you would get from the really old TV’s are no longer existent. As long as the unit sports a full HD resolution (1980 x 1020 or higher) you’re right in the money. Plus, it’s an actual TV so if ‘m not using my computer I can simply switch to telly viewing. Two functions in one - neat!

Some things to consider when using a TV as a monitor:

• Most of the time, the screen height and angle of a TV is not as adjustable as a computer monitor. In my case, I do have to use a thick book as a base so that the screen levels well with my eyes.
• Get a TV with an IPS screen. It projects contrast and colours excellently. The TV I bought, a lowly but trusted TEAC which costs $240 (darn cheap for a FHD slim TV you must admit!), doesn’t have this technology because IPS screens are pretty expensive, but this one’s still pretty awesome with comparable image quality. If you do have the budget, consider it.
• Make sure it’s got full HD resolution (FHD), not just high definition (HD) display. For computer monitors, the resolution matters.
• Make sure it has an HDMI port. Most digital TV’s now do anyway.
• Whilst a large screen is great for entertainment, it might not be ideal for regular computing. I tried a 32” and found it too huge - you will have to sit far back to prevent eye fatigue and that doesn’t really work if you’re working with text on documents and websites or with images. From my own trials, I found 22 - 23” to be the perfect size.
  
• If you’re not too sure about using TV as a computer monitor, do give it a test first. In my case, I asked the shop if I can give it a spin and return the set if I didn’t find it comfortable for my eyes, and they gladly gave me 30 days return period. I love Aussie market policies!
  
• Get a screen with matt finish over a glossy one as it has less (or no) glare.
  
  

2.  A wireless keyboard and trackpad

These bad boys from Apple work seamlessly, and they’re very good looking as well. Will set you back $150 ($75 each).

3. A mini Displayport to HDMI cable, and an HDMI cable

I think all Macbooks sport a mini Displayport for video output. You will need this adapter above and and an HDMI cable to screencast from the computer to an external monitor. Other options would be a mini Displayport to VGA or to DVI adapter and use the corresponding cables, but HDMI is really the best in terms of lossless video transmission. This one from Moshi is $30 but I checked on eBay and there are lower cost options that go as cheap as $5. But I trust Moshi.

4. A wireless surrond sound speaker

Not a necessity, but I already have this Nokia Play 360 which is wireless, has an impressive sub-woofer and plays awesome music in 360 degree direction, and hooking it up with the computer system to play great audio will do wonders for your ear drums. To be honest, the TEAC FHD TV, whilst capable of crisp and clear video, has terrible audio - for just $240, you didn’t really expect it to be perfect did you? Fortunately, however, it has audio-out capabilities, so I just connect it with my Nokia Play using a cable, and I get superb audio with almost cinema-like quality.

And after all that, here’s the end result.

Freakin’ sweet!

Instead of shelling out $1420, I improvised and got the huge screen high-def experience for just $420, that’s a full thousand dollars less.

Applause, applause.

You know when you both love something and hate it at the same time?

That’s the feeling I’d have back in the days when I would watch Duck Tales. Oh, you remember. That old cartoon show in early Sundays starring Huey, Dewey and Louie, nephews of my favourite original Disney character of all time, Donald Duck.

Every time the TV show came on, I would always giddy up and sing to the opening tunes.

“Duck Tales, woo-oo-ooh. Every day they’re out there making Duck Tales, woo-oo-ooh.”

And then when the opening scene starts I’d realise I’d seen the episode for the 399th time already and I would start cursing the telly. Yeah, I cursed as a kid. 

Those three little ducks were cute at first, always solving a mystery, always getting away with their antics. But I hated it when Donald Duck would make an appearance and they’re mean to him. Yeah, Donald is nasty himself, but he earned it, I mean he’s like in the same pedestal as Mickey freaking Mouse himself. He’s way up there, and what have these lame little ducklings done in their lifetime? They couldn’t even graduate from school - they’re forever students so I can only assume they’re real doofus to be repeating grade school over an over again.

But still I would watch those blasted episodes, probably all 100 of them. I would stay glued to the telly even if I hated Huey, Dewey and Louie who starred in the show. There was just no escaping.

Come to think of it though, kids these days wouldn’t probably even know what Duck Tales is. They might recognise Donald Duck from their trips to Disneyland, but there is also a good likelihood they’ll go, ‘Who dat?” I think it’s sad. Duck Tales may have tormented me, but I think I would still have preferred it over the garbage that Disney Channel is showing these days like Hannah Montana or High School Musical. 

Ermahgerd, I do love you Duck Tales, I’m sorry I said those stuff. 

I love movies. I’m one of those people who would know when a nice film is coming to the local theatre, and when it’s arrived I would gladly queue for it. I hate reading movie reviews before watching a movie -  I find ‘professional’ movie critics to be very assuming and arrogant sons of bitches. I do like reading my friends’ blogs about movies that they saw and their reactions, but when they start revealing important plots and spoilers with no warning I want to skin them alive.

I’m no movie critic and I don’t use words like ‘cinematography’, or ‘visceral’, but if I were to classify movies, I would group them into three:

• those that I thought were profoundly good they deserve a rightful place in an ark should the second Great Flood arrive
• those that are so bad if I had the money I would purchase a plane ticket to fly and meet the director in person, look him in the eye and tell him “You don’t do that to me.”
• and then there are those that I thought my life could go on if I didn’t bother watching them to see if they’re good or bad in the first place.

This post is about the latter.

Before I proceed, I want to clarify that yes, when it comes to movies, I pretty much judge a book by its cover when deciding whether to see it. I could be as petty as “Damn, that actor is in this movie, I’m not watching”, or, “The movie poster is too dull, it shall not pass.” So who knows, I might be too superficial that I’m missing out on a some good stuff out there, in which case I would actually appreciate it if you pointed out which ones shouldn’t be in my blah list.

Silver Linings Playbook. I don’t know, maybe it’s because of all the hype with J-Law. I do like her, she’s candid and feisty, so maybe it’s really because of Bradley Cooper. My friend thinks it’s a very nice film, so maybe when it’s out on DVD I’ll watch it.


American Reunion. I’m sure we all watched Part 1, and maybe some of us enjoyed Part 2. And it should have all ended in Part 2.


Madagascar 3. As a general rule I like 3D animated movies. And cutesy animals. The first Madagascar movie resonated well with my inner child but the second instalment was such a dud. I didn’t want to disappoint myself any further so I didn’t bother watching the third.


This Means War. I had difficulty accepting that Reese Witherspoon edged out Charlize Theron and Felicity Huffman for an Oscar in 2006. The idea that two spies are out at each other’s throats because of Reese is just too much. Yes, I’m petty like that, I told you.

The Lorax. I didn’t quite get what the Lorax is supposed to be from the trailers. It sure didn’t look funny either. Maybe it was the color orange and how it made me think about Garfield. I’m one of those people who don’t find Garfield funny at all, and I most certainly didn’t like that he made fun of Nermal all the time. Die, Garfiled, die.

Cabin in the Woods. You read the movie title and immediately you know its about these college kids whose car broke down in the middle of nowhere and they’d have to take shelter in a seemingly abandoned house. They all die. The End. It is unfortunate, however, that I only found out after it stopped screening on theatres that it was co-written by Joss Whedon. Movies involving Joss Whedon are worth queuing up for, so it’s sad that I missed this. Oh wait, I should rent a DVD.

The Lucky One. As a general rule, I avoid movies based on Nicholas Sparks’ books because they’re too melodramatic for their own good. I immensely liked The Notebook but I’ve avoided all other NS movies like a plague. Wait, I did watch The Vow, but that was mainly because I’m in love with Rachel McAdams since The Notebook. All others, nah.

Rock of Ages. Uhm, no.



*More to come.

You’re devouring a bar of Cadbury. Or Lindt or Ritters or Toblerone. Because you’re half a pig as I am when it comes to chocolate, you panic when a friend is heading your general direction. You’re thinking that your friend might ask for a bite or two of your prrrrreciousssss chocolate.

In your haste your clumsy hands accidentally drop the goddamn chocolate. Fuckeet.

Fret not, the little piece of chocolate is still as edible as it can get. The germs were too stunned to move, too taken aback with this enormous piece of cocoa bar dropping out of the sky, the last thing they would want to do is to jump right on to this dark brown thing that nearly squashed them too death. They mutter amongst themselves, “Bro! What the! D’you see that? I was nearly squashed to death bro! I mean, my kids! Who’s gonna take care of them, bro!”

But make sure you pick it up within the five-second timeframe. The germs would have recovered from the shock by then and would have started making their way to your chocolate.